Maybe I’ll Never Find Someone…

And I’m fine with that

Photo by Gian Cescon on Unsplash

Maybe you just read that sentence and immediately made the sign of the cross over your heart, grabbed your sage to ward off evil spirits, and chanted your affirmations. I used to be the same. The mere thought of being single forever would literally have shivers run down my spine and make me break out in tears.

But why? Why is it that the thought of being alone — with ourselves- makes us so incredibly uncomfortable?

Being single vs. being in a relationship

I don’t think I need to explain that we tend to ascribe value to whether or not we’re in a relationship. We’ve simplified it. Being in a relationship = good, being single = bad.

It’s not quite that simple though, is it?

The world isn’t as black and white as we grew up believing it to be. If we contribute the positive sentiment to being in a relationship, we don’t take into account all of the following:

• those in relationships who are staying in them because they don’t believe they deserve better than the person they have
• those in relationships where one or both parties feel like they’re settling
• those in relationships who barely communicate or spend time with one another
• those in relationships who no longer trust one another
• those in relationships where one person is cheating on the other
• those in relationships staying together for the kids
• those in relationships who simply don’t want to go back to dating again
• those in abusive relationships
• those in relationships in which they’ve changed and turned into completely incompatible people

All I’m getting at, is just because someone is in a relationship doesn’t mean that they’re happy. It doesn’t mean that they’ve found the best fit for them. And it certainly doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t be happier than if they remained single.

On the other hand, being single doesn’t mean that one is miserably swiping through men on a dating app, hoping to land on a guy that DOESN’T hold a fish in his profile.

Being single can mean traveling and exploring the world on your own. It can mean having intense friendships with other women, and finding your tribe. It can mean finding soulmates in your girlfriends. It can mean being unapologetically selfish and always putting yourself first. And most importantly, it can mean getting to know yourself better than anybody else and loving yourself for every small part.

Photo by Pietra Schwarzler on Unsplash

My mom’s advice

My mom used to give me a piece of advice, and I never understood it until now. She told me “The most important thing should never be another man. It should be you and whether or not you can be proud of yourself and feel good about how you’re showing up in the world. What matters is that you can look yourself in the eye at the end of the day and be proud. That you value and love yourself, know who you are and what you stand for, and that you pursue your goals while making the world a better place.”

Younger version of me (aka six months ago) would have scoffed, while wiping away tears after breaking up with Finance Frank (for the second time) and feeling like she’ll never find someone to love her. But there’s some truth to it..

The last few months I’ve shifted the focus from men to my goals, and what have the results been?

• less checking my phone if a guy has FINALLY written or responded to me
• less losing focus, thoughts revolving around a man, and more focus on pursuing my goals
• more selective when it comes to men and enforcing my boundaries
• more honest with men about who I am and how I expect to be treated
• less desperate, and more “if it happens, it happens” attitude

So….maybe I WILL end up alone, and maybe I won’t! Either way, going back to my mom’s advice, as long as I can strongly stand in who I am, proudly face myself every morning and evening in the mirror, then I’m ok with that. Because nothing beats accomplishing a goal you previously thought was impossible to achieve, and knowing you did it anyway. That you matter, and that you make the world a better place.

And whether I do that with someone by my side or if I do it on my own, that doesn’t matter.

I wish the same for you!