Dating Diaries S1 E9: The “We Need to Talk” Conversation
That has not lead to a breakup….yet
I’ve been dating Finance Frank for nearly a year now. Most without the knowledge of my parents, who are overprotective and have threatened to disown me if I continued to see him.
I was traveling a lot and while I was traveling found out I was pregnant, and miscarried shortly after. After we had confirmed that I had miscarried, we had a phone conversation that left me wondering if we had much of a future.
Now that you’re caught up…
Recently our conversations have been pretty short and sweet. Not much affection or chit-chat. Just pretty much checking in with one another throughout the day. I didn’t know if we were still going to be together or if we were ok.
Last Friday we were supposed to hang out, but he opted out because he felt the need to sleep and didn’t want to see anyone. Saturday we ended up spending time together, even if it wasn’t terribly much.
We did end up having good (though short) sex (so I could check off that he was still physically attracted to me). And overall had a good time, though the energy felt WAY off.
When he wrote me on Monday (yesterday) to ask if I had time to talk over the phone, FT, or in person, I felt this deep sense of impending doom. Like we were about to have another make it or break it moment.
First, I wanted to just talk over the phone, because if we were going to breakup then I at least wanted to be able to keep my pride and ego in tact and get off the phone before bursting into tears. But then I decided, maybe we weren’t going to breakup and we could try to be physically and emotionally close again so I decided to meet up in person.
The conversation
What followed was a conversation that I both expected and surprised me.
Finance Frank told me that he had been feeling weighed down by guilt because he knew that if I chose to reveal to my family that I was still dating him, I’d be losing my entire family. And he didn’t feel comfortable with that burden.
He wanted to feel like a hero.
That he loved me and that I brought him a ton of peace, joy, and light into his life, but he felt like he was a burden to me and couldn’t be the same.
That he loved how I could find so much joy in the simplest of things and that he’s never met anyone as mentally stable as me. That he loved my positive outlook in life and that I always found a way to ground him and calm him.
That this wasn’t a breakup conversation, but a conversation to start facing reality and figure out if there was a solution to this looming problem or not.
That he didn’t want to waste my time (specifically because he knows I want to be a mom) and that he loves me so much that he would be ok if I found someone my parents approved of, got married, and had kids with them.
My Thoughts
Initially, I reacted with fear and desperation. I love this man. I have for 3 years and something tells me that I always will. I feel like he’s my person. More than ever before.
It’s not lost on me that I am willing to sacrifice A LOT for this man. I live with my family and I work with them. I’m the guardian to my brother. I was in a position of possibly starting a family with this man, and am ready to be his ride or die.
So cue the excuses and side conversations that ultimately lead to nowhere. I didn’t have a solution for him. I apologized profusely that he felt that way and that I obviously didn’t want him to feel that way.
The selfish part of me feels that if he saw a future with me and was sure of me, then he should let me make my decision, and just be okay with it. Have my back, and if he knows that I’m the person for him then we’re good.
But I also know what it feels like to be a burden. It’s not fun. And it wrecks you.
He said that while we have great times together, he also feels that they’re all tinged with melancholy. I don’t want that for him, and I don’t want that for us.
I also know that he’s been through this before. When a woman sacrificed everything to be with him….and it didn’t work out. And that it most likely puts doubts into his mind about this being the fairy tale romance.
I can’t deny that my family is a complication in my romance with him. But I love him so much that I was willing to drop all complications to make it work. I don’t know how to do right by him, and I don’t know how to do right by me.
There are many situations in which women or men get disowned by their family for their choice in partner and it all turns out fine. They live happily ever after with their partner, grow families together, and sometimes reunite with their family down the road.
There are some situations where that doesn’t happen as well.
I feel helpless in this, because I do not know what to do. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I don’t know what I should expect of him and expect of me. I don’t know whether I should let go or if I should hold on. I have no control over my parents and whether they approve of him or not. All I DO have control over is myself.
If anyone has any advice, I’d love to hear it!
Toodles,
Bella
