Dating Diaries S1 E10: A Breakup, A Date, and Dating Apps?
Life has been a whirlwind lately, let’s get caught up!
It’s been a while, and a lot has happened so let’s catch up!
The Breakup
Finance Frank and I were doing well. Something was off, but he didn’t seem to want to talk about it. I’d ask him what’s going on and supposedly there was nothing. He was often tired. One week communication seemed amazing and we talked on the phone frequently and the next he went AWOL.
When he started cancelling some of our date nights and rarely responded to messages, I came to the conclusion I couldn’t do this one foot in, one foot out thing anymore. The next time we saw each other, I told him as much.
We hadn’t had sex in 2–3 weeks at this point and I felt rejected in more ways than one.
I basically explained he had a decision to make and that while I was willing to work through this, I also didn’t want him to be in something he didn’t want to be in. And I didn’t want to be in a half-assed relationship.
This prompted a lengthy conversation that quite frankly led me to panicked rambling. I could feel our relationship unraveling. Long story short, since the pregnancy/miscarriage he had felt emotionally detached. He wanted certain things (that I could’ve changed) but he never communicated them. He couldn’t guarantee that he’d become more emotionally attached at any point and he felt my family needed me more than him.
So that was the end.
I walked away letting him know that he was the one choosing to end this, and that I would’ve fought. That was important to me, but I also was unwilling to beg for him as well.
There was a short message exchange and that was that.
Thoughts on the Breakup
I’m going to be honest, it doesn’t feel final. It’s a weird feeling, but it doesn’t feel like the end.
I haven’t cried. I haven’t felt the need to move on to someone else as a sign of revenge. It’s just a lingering feeling of unfinished business. Like something is still there. As if we’re still together but not really. It’s difficult to explain.
At the same time, I’m a little turned off by everything. Feelings are still there, but there’s still a sense of hurt and having been disrespected.
Part of me feels he never processed the miscarriage and this is the result, and the other part of me is unbothered.
Maybe it doesn’t feel final because we’ve been broken up before and we’ve gotten back together as well. Maybe it’s because he felt comfortable and I have faith we’ll find our way back to one another. Or it’s because the last time we’d broken up he told me he didn’t feel like it’s the end of our story and I’m clinging to that sentiment even though he never said it this time.
It doesn’t matter ultimately, because the fact is we’re not together and I’m not going to change anything.
At this point, I’m not even sure if he came back that I’d accept it. I probably wouldn’t believe that anything had changed. It would feel convenient but not real. I wouldn’t trust that as the happy ending I’m hoping for.
I only want him back if he can show up as the gentleman he had been in the first 4 months we had been dating. The guy who would ensure we would spend time together, even if it was only for 30 minutes. The guy who would FaceTime me on occasion during the middle of the day. The man who bought us expensive tickets to a comedy show to do something fun together. The man who revered and respected me, and was shocked if we didn’t have sex one night. The man who would ask me the moment I left one date when we’d see each other again.
To THAT man, I’d say yes. To the man I got towards the end of the relationship, I’d say no.
But I also accept that I’d have to change. I’d have to be better at setting boundaries. At not getting distracted by any relationship challenges. At having more self-respect and self-esteem. At having a life outside of the relationship and to not get swept away too quickly. At pursuing my goals and consistently doing so even when things are not going well. At having higher standards for him and for me.
Do I believe firmly he’ll come back? Yes.
Do I want him to come back? Not now. I want him to come back when he’s changed and when I’ve changed. Whether that’s in a few weeks, months, or even years.
The Date
Now on to the new happenings.
I’m very open to finding someone new. Going out and having fun. I’m not waiting around for anyone.
Is it the right time? I’m unsure. I have no idea if I’m ready to fully jump into the dating pool again, but I’m definitely giving it a try!
I wrote in a local ladies group that I was going through a breakup and was looking for new female friends. I got a plethora of women responding who wanted to meet and hang out. Interestingly enough, I also got a message from one woman who said her brother was single and if I’d be open to being set up on a blind date. I said yes.
The date was fine.
He seemed nice enough. The conversation was fair. But there was no chemistry. No spark. It felt very bro-y. And that’s not what I’m looking for in my relationship. I ended up referring him to a friend of mine who may get along better with him.
Next please!
Dating Apps
My biggest fear is how am I going to meet someone new? I basically work and study. Not much else.
I will return to the gym soon, but that’s pretty much my life.
I don’t LOVE dating apps. I know they work for people, but I don’t enjoy them. I don’t want to tell my future child that I swiped right on their father. I want a meet cute story to tell my future daughter or son, so they know they have to live life to the fullest and not rely on technology to find their partner.
But that being said, I’d love to know how you feel about apps!
Toodles,
Bella
